Lazy Sod's Guide to Sex by Stuart McLean

Author:Stuart McLean [McLean, Stuart]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781905102969
Publisher: Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited

The Lavvie

This method is perfect for at work, at the pub or anytime you suddenly get the urge. Hold the toilet door closed by bending your left leg backwards and pushing hard. Wipe the piss off the seat as best you can. Flush the toilet. Okay, now go for it. While the next person in the queue tries to smash down the door, stroke yourself off as fast as you can. Oh, and do all this while holding your breath so you don’t inhale the stinking haze of the environment.

The Wife’s Busy

This method is great when you’re feeling randy but your wife’s watching telly or out shagging your best mate. Sneak into the bedroom, extract your ten-year­old copy of Readers’ Wives from under the bed and open it up at that nearly-in-focus Polaroid picture of ‘Andy from Govan’s granny’. Kneel at the door to stop anyone entering. While listening for anyone coming do your very best to cum. Damn! Quickly put Mr Muppet away, stuff the mag under the bed and try not to look too flustered when your mother­in-law barges in asking if you’d like a ‘nice cup of tea’.

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